Author Topic: A bit of humor...or real life.  (Read 14153 times)

Offline mklotz

  • Full Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 2402
  • LA, CA, USA
    • SOFTWARE FOR PEOPLE WHO BUILD THINGS!
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #15 on: November 30, 2012, 05:04:03 PM »
Yes, Twain had a dim view of politicians.  In addition to that quote, he wrote:

In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
Congress.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no
distinctively American criminal class except Congress.

A flea can be taught everything a congressman can.



Twain is the hero of every red-blooded pessimist and misanthrope.  Some of his other uplifting gems include:



There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances,
profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.

I do not like work even when someone else does it.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved
it.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

I am not a lawyer and shall always try to do right and good so that God
will not make me one.

Heaven for climate; Hell for society.

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah didn't miss the
boat.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to
miss it.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
---
Regards, Marv


Home Shop Freeware
http://www.myvirtualnetwork.com/mklotz

Offline zeeprogrammer

  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6375
  • West Chester, PA, USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2012, 05:40:46 PM »
Those are great Marv. Thanks for that.
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline mklotz

  • Full Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 2402
  • LA, CA, USA
    • SOFTWARE FOR PEOPLE WHO BUILD THINGS!
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2012, 06:08:16 PM »
I'm pleased that you liked them.  Quoting Twain seems extra appropriate since today is his birthday.  It's also Churchill's birthday and he was responsible for some other really piquant verbal gems.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets for the opening of his new play, with the invitation:  Bring a friend - if you have one.  Churchill regretted
that he was engaged, and asked for tickets for the second performance:  If there is one.
---
Regards, Marv


Home Shop Freeware
http://www.myvirtualnetwork.com/mklotz

Offline zeeprogrammer

  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6375
  • West Chester, PA, USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #18 on: January 26, 2013, 03:09:14 PM »
Stumbled across this this morning. Thought it might be interesting to some  ;D


Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
-- Hartz' Law of Rhetoric
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline TerryWerm

  • Full Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 64
  • Jordan, MN - 6100 nice folks and one grouch!
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2013, 07:27:38 PM »
"I used to suffer from schizophrenia, but we're just fine now"

"Diplomacy: The art of telling someone where to go in such a way that he looks forward to the trip."
Terry

Making chips with old machines - there's nothing like it!

Online sco

  • Full Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1629
  • Location: Northants UK
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2013, 07:32:04 PM »
How did Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.
Ars longa, vita brevis.

Offline Alan Haisley

  • Full Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 670
  • Near Clayton, North Carolina, USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #21 on: January 27, 2013, 08:24:29 PM »
"When pigs fly!" Pigs have been able to fly for ages. Just pitch one off the top of a building and see. It's the landing they have trouble with.
Alan
Near Raleigh, NC, USA

Offline Maryak

  • Global Moderator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1818
  • Aldinga Beach South Australia
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #22 on: February 18, 2013, 10:18:38 PM »
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's toss bag. It's the tortoise life for me! 1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter. 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........?????? 
Если вы у Тетушки были яйца, она была бы Дядюшкой

Online AdeV

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 443
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #23 on: February 18, 2013, 11:18:11 PM »
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty- five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.


- All from the pen of the late & much missed Douglas Adams.
Cheers,
Ade
--
I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.

Offline zeeprogrammer

  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6375
  • West Chester, PA, USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #24 on: February 18, 2013, 11:20:23 PM »
Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty- five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

- All from the pen of the late & much missed Douglas Adams.

One of the better descriptions of Zee I've come across.
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline zeeprogrammer

  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6375
  • West Chester, PA, USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #25 on: February 18, 2013, 11:52:57 PM »
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

It's gotten to the point that if some one says they're going to call, and I'm left waiting for the call, I take the phone with me and head for the bathroom. 90% success rate.

If I forget the phone, I'll still get a call...but from some robo-machine or other solicitation. Also 90% success rate.

This belongs on the Pet Hates page.
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline Tennessee Whiskey

  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3774
  • Springfield, Tennessee. USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #26 on: February 19, 2013, 12:09:33 AM »
Sad part is the more birthdays we have the more this crap is gonna continue,thank goodness.
I read a report the other day that said it had been now proven that people who have more birthdays live longer. Wonder how much that cost us?

Yo Redneck
Eric

Online AdeV

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 443
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #27 on: February 19, 2013, 12:43:54 AM »
Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works. Anything that’s invented between when you’re fifteen and thirty- five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it. Anything invented after you’re thirty-five is against the natural order of things.

- All from the pen of the late & much missed Douglas Adams.

One of the better descriptions of Zee I've come across.

By Zee - do you mean the mathematical programming language called "Z" (that you would pronounce Zee and I would pronounce Zed)? Er, or your good self?

 :insane: <-- couldn't find the confused smiley so went with that one.
Cheers,
Ade
--
I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.

Offline zeeprogrammer

  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6375
  • West Chester, PA, USA
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #28 on: February 19, 2013, 02:13:21 AM »
AdeV...yes, I was referring to self.
Bit of a French thing I guess. zee this or zee that. My wife goes by 'zeepen'. She's a writer. I stole from her and went for 'zeeprogrammer'. On a different note...what's always struck me is that besides different terms (zero, nil, z, zed)  the English seem to use more adjectives than Americans. I enjoy the language.  ;D

Eric,  as I've gotten older I've come to appreciate more the celebration of my 'unbirthday' per Lewis Caroll (Charles Dodson). I now celebrate this every Friday. It won't be long before I celebrate this everyday.  ;D

But then, we should probably celebrate every day.

Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Online Jo

  • Administrator
  • Full Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12614
  • Hampshire, england.
Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #29 on: February 19, 2013, 07:47:48 AM »
A couple more from DA that I find I can’t be without:

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by”

“Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?”

“I'd far rather be happy than right any day.”

“For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.”

“You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen.”


And one for you Zee  ;):

“He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.”

Jo
Usus est optimum magister