Author Topic: A bit of humor...or real life.  (Read 14160 times)

Offline zeeprogrammer

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A bit of humor...or real life.
« on: November 29, 2012, 03:45:09 AM »
Just got this from my Dad. Authors' names are Anonymous (very prolific people). Enjoy. Hope you hadn't seen it before.

Marv...there's a number of them that make me think of you...3, 4, 13, 20,21.
I'm posting number 11 at work tomorrow.
My friends would associate number 20 with me. As well as 21 and 5.

PARAPROSDOKIANS   (Winston Churchill loved them)   are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
 
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
 
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
 
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit, the target.
 
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
 
27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline Don1966

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2012, 04:23:15 AM »
 :ROFL:

Don

Offline steamer

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2012, 11:16:24 AM »
Oh there are at least half of those that are ready for work today!

 :lolb:

Dave
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Damned ijjit!

Offline Maryak

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2012, 11:17:53 AM »
Если вы у Тетушки были яйца, она была бы Дядюшкой

Offline BillTodd

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2012, 11:46:34 AM »
Quote
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

That is a gem

I'll add:

28) I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect
Bill
wy omnibus Latinis taurus stercore?

Offline IanR

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2012, 11:55:34 AM »
 :Lol: Thank you Zee's Dad, and Zee.

Offline black85vette

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2012, 01:25:54 PM »
Those are fun.

Offline mklotz

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2012, 04:55:03 PM »
Those are great.  I particularly like the tomato-fruit one.

My favorites reflect on my respect for my fellow man and my sunny, optimistic outlook on the world.  Here are a few of them...


"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing?after they have tried everything else." ?Winston Churchill

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." ?Groucho Marx

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about." ?supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee

"I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks." ?Emo Philips

"I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat." ?Will Rogers

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Build it and they will complain.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

I hate to say "I told you so" so I am going to shout it really loud.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Never leave till tomorrow what you can immediately forget.

Your argument is sound, just sound, lots of sound.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
---
Regards, Marv


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Offline Admiral_dk

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2012, 10:28:50 PM »
Are you trying to kill me  :lolb:

Offline zeeprogrammer

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2012, 10:39:53 PM »
Good stuff Marv.  :ROFL:

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." ?Groucho Marx

That sounds very much like something I'd say.
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline mklotz

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2012, 11:44:40 PM »
I've always thought it a tragedy that Groucho never had a chance to host the Tonight Show.  Can you just imagine him verbally dissecting some airhead movie star?  The nightly monologue would have been Pulitzer fodder.  Can you imagine him discussing political correctness?
---
Regards, Marv


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Offline black85vette

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2012, 12:17:29 AM »
I've always thought it a tragedy that Groucho never had a chance to host the Tonight Show.  Can you just imagine him verbally dissecting some airhead movie star?  The nightly monologue would have been Pulitzer fodder.  Can you imagine him discussing political correctness?

Sounds like an opportunity for a short film or short story.   A fictional account of that actually happening.   That would be entertaining and much more interesting than "reality" TV.   Sadly I fear most watchers would miss the point.   Perhaps the "secret word" would always be non-PC to try and get guests to use forbidden terms?

 :naughty:

Offline Mainer

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2012, 12:31:44 AM »
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.  -- Groucho Marx

Suppose you have an idiot. And suppose he is a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.... --- Mark Twain

Offline zeeprogrammer

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2012, 02:51:34 AM »
Suppose you have an idiot. And suppose he is a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.... --- Mark Twain

 :lolb:
Carl (aka Zee) Will sometimes respond to 'hey' but never 'hey you'.
"To work. To work."
Zee-Another Thread Trasher.

Offline Pete49

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Re: A bit of humor...or real life.
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2012, 03:38:59 AM »
Suppose you have an idiot. And suppose he is a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.... --- Mark Twain
:lolb:  :ROFL: :lolb: Ya owe me a new keyboard Mainer
Pete
I used to have a friend.....but the rope broke and he ran away :(